Britain woke up this morning to a new era of prosperity, happiness and perky, nubile breasts today, after last night's snap election saw the Conservatives swept into office thanks to a massive swing to the right by the electorate, Mr Rupert Murdoch.
"The voter rang me yesterday evening from his Malibu beach house and told me that he had had just about all he could take under a Labour government, so he had decided to vote Conservative," said the voter's son James, the chief executive of News Corporation Europe. "According to the time-honoured traditions of our democratic society, he put his mark on the front page of the Sun and consigned the Labour Party to the dustbin of history."
"Let us hope that David Cameron will bring a fresh new approach," he continued. "The first priority is to get business back on its feet, and he could make a start by abolishing Britain's Stalinist diktats restricting ownership of the media, outlawing the hated BBC propaganda ministry and relaxing the outdated impartiality regulations which cruelly prevent the nation's viewers from receiving the full benefit of the fair and balanced reporting style pioneered by Fox News Channel in the US."
Analysts say that the electorate's 100% swing from left to right, although unprecedented, is not entirely unexpected.
"Rupert Murdoch is a very experienced voter, having been the deciding factor in elections all over the world for several decades," commented political editor Adam Boulton of Sky News. "Millions of Sun readers will be forever grateful to him for selflessly relieving them of the onerous burden of thinking for themselves, and can once again look to the future with hope, and to Page 3 with a hand down their trousers."
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