After a week of speculation about Gordon Brown's alleged health problems, senior Labour figures privately admitted today that the embattled prime minister is indeed in the final stages of terminal uselessness.
"Gordon's inner circle has known for years that he was becoming useless," said a Chancellor of the Exchequer, speaking on condition of anonymity. "It began way back before 1997, when he agreed over lunch to hand the party leadership over to Tony Blair. But since he took over as PM, the tell-tale signs of encroaching uselessness have been there for all to see, if you knew what to look for. Now he's just a helpless, tragic figure who spends his days crying out for an end to his misery."
"The kindest thing would be for a loved one to load him on the first available flight to Switzerland," agreed former home secretary Charles Clarke. "But to escape prosecution on their return to the UK, that person would have to prove that they were not benefiting in any way from his demise - and there isn't a single person in the whole country who could stand up in court and honestly swear they wouldn't be better off without Gordon."
"Besides," he added, "Would anybody be prepared to admit they were close to Gordon Brown?"
The prime minister, meanwhile, was still doggedly refusing to admit that he was imperfect in any way at all. Lying on a hospital gurney attached to various drips (Lord Mandelson and Caroline Flint), he was wheeled onstage at the party's Brighton conference to tell snoring delegates that he was absolutely fighting fit.
"I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that I have runs for an hour every morning," wheezed the pain-filled PM. "Believe me, you'll soon find out that I can run you all into the ground!"
"Please, somebody, put an end to this unbearable torment," groaned the dying party.
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