Poor Northern Scum Urged to Abandon Wastelands, Wait Hand-and-Foot on Rich Southern Scum

Northern cities are shit, according to an influential think-tank closely linked to the Conservative Party.

According to the report by Policy Exchange, money spent on futile cosmetic exercises to make places like Liverpool, Bradford and Sunderland slightly less awful would be better spent on one-way fares for Northerners to the prosperous south-east, where the crippling shortage of domestic servants, chimney sweeps and lapdancers is becoming worse by the day.

The Tories were swift to distance themselves from the think-tank, which has been credited with much of the ‘fresh thinking’ that has characterised David Cameron’s leadership.

“We fully support keeping those ghastly, thieving Scousers and their irritatingly chirpy, nasal whine up there out of harm’s way,” said Mr Cameron. “I’ve never heard of Sunderland or Bradford, so I presume their tones are less annoying and their manners less thieving. Nonetheless, these creatures don’t vote Conservative, so we really don’t want hordes of them altering the voting demographic of Labour marginal seats down south.”

Northerner William Hague echoed his leader’s sentiments. “The last thing I want to hear from a shoeshine boy on the streets of London is a northern accent,” he scowled, adding: “I hear wages are going up in Poland. Perhaps they could all be shipped over there instead.”

Meanwhile, Northerners themselves poured scorn on the plan.

“What’s wrong with Liverpool anyway?” demanded a salt-of-the-earth Scouse type, his rising voice verging on inaudibility. “It’s a paradise on Earth. The only time I want to see the poncy south is a couple of weeks in summer when I jump on a train to Torquay for my annual crime spree, thanks very much.”

A native of Sunderland, dressed traditionalionally in cloth cap and baggy trousers held up with string, agreed.

“Howay, mon, I hear the streets of London is paved with gold, like?” she said, scratching her manky head. “My clogs wouldn’t get any grip, and I’d slide into the path of a car. No danger of that up here. The only time we ever see cars up here is six at a time on a transporter, taking Nissans from the factory to the ferryport.”

“No one is suggesting that residents should be forced to move,” argued a Policy Exchange spokesman. “Those who choose to stay can be bulldozed into the toxic ground of their shabby, blighted cities.”