US President George W Bush has condemned Russia for “bullying and intimidation” over its actions in Georgia, and demanded that it withdraw all of its black kettles from South Ossetia and Abkhazia by the end of the week.
Speaking from the White House, the President said that “Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the twenty-first century.” The press conference was, however, brought to a premature close by a smoke alarm, thought to have been set off by the President’s smouldering trousers.
“We’ve just stuck a shitload of our nuclear teapots in Poland, Russkies, and they’re pointing at you!” he added, as aides swiftly extinguished the blaze in the seat of his pants. “Whaddya think of that?”
Russia’s Prime Minister, Vladimir the Impaler, reported that President Sooty Medvedev said he did not want to damage relations with other countries, but Russia had to fulfil its peacekeeping mandate by killing lots of civilians.
“That’s how the Americans keep the peace in the twenty-first century, is it not?” he smiled.
Meanwhile, five hours of talks have resulted in a ceasefire agreement, brokered by France, in which the Russians have agreed to park up for the night, on the understanding that Georgia disbands its army, navy and air force by 6pm and hands all of its military equipment over to the Russians, complete with all relevant operating manuals and warranty cards.