Government Tells You To Look At The State Of You, Fatty

You should cut down on your pork life, mate

The Department of Health today unveiled the latest scientific arguments in favour of a balanced diet, urging fat bastards to look at the fucking state of themselves, for Christ’s sake.

Leaning out of the passenger window of a Vauxhall Astra as he was driven past today’s press conference, Health Secretary Angela Lansbury shouted “you fat fucking CUNT” at reporters, who responded by questioning him closely on what the fuck it was to him, the wanker.

However, flab-cheeked TV has-been Jamie Oliver slammed the government’s latest obesity strategy, calling it “regurgitated, patronising rubbish” and urging Britain’s fatties to rush out and buy his latest book of regurgitated, patronising rubbish instead.

Warnings About Overexercise And Lack Of Eating Still Strangely Absent From Post-Christmas Headlines

Nothing to worry about

Research not carried out by Oxford University, the British Heart Foundation and the BMA and not published today - or any other day - warns the public of serious health risks posed by too much exercise and not eating enough.

“Exercising too much is the direct cause of a wide range of health issues, ranging from muscle strain and torn ligaments right up to long-term damage to the joints and fatal heart attacks,” said nobody from the Department of Health.

“Not eating enough can lead to a range of debilitating conditions caused by nutritional deficiencies,” added no one, “And it can also lead to potentially deadly mental health problems like anorexia and bulimia.”

Meanwhile, there are no calls from the medical community for a hard-hitting government campaign against rank idiocy, which is one of the biggest problems facing Britain’s increasingly hard-pressed Accident & Emergency units.

“Complete and utter fucktards are not just a major drain on the NHS,” warned nobody. “Sheer crass stupidity is damaging the entire economy. In 1986 only 7% of the British population had shit for brains, but by 2008 that figure had rocketed to 25% - and this winter suggests that the rise is exponential. Whether they’re wrapping their cars round lamp-posts on icy roads or managing Heathrow Airport, it seems this is truly The Age Of The Absolute Fuckwit.”

“If the running of the country wasn’t in the hands of a guffawing troupe of hooray henries, perhaps the government could run a never-ending catalogue of patronising campaigns aimed at making mulish thickery socially unacceptable,” opined one harassed gutbucket. “I, for one, am longing for the day when some witless yahoo feels a pressing need to lean out of a car window and hurl childish abuse at himself.”

Public Could Safely Swallow More Shit, Admit Nutritionalists

The guidelines recommending how much poorly-researched horseshit the public can safely be fed every day may have been underestimated by as much as a fifth, according to red-faced health fascists.

"For the last eighteen years we have been warning you that if you eat any of this and more than a spoonful of that, you will instantly become a disgusting gutbucket who deserves to lose all their friends, be rejected by their horrified families and mocked by total strangers, only to be held up to media ridicule when the crane comes to drag your flabby corpse from the lonely flat you hid in until you topped yourself in despair," admitted a hollow-cheeked living cadaver from the Pseudoscientific Nagging Committee on Nutrition.

"Now, as a result of some actual research we accidentally funded, it turns out our po-faced propaganda was slightly wide of the mark," he explained through gritted teeth. "You may actually be able to eat a cheeseburger a day and still achieve your tragic ambition of looking like some miserable celebrity clothes-horse off the telly."

"Fortunately, the vast majority of your airhead friends will miss or forget this soon-to-be-buried news item, so you will still be lambasted and shunned if you're caught shamelessly enjoying something tasty and filling," he pointed out, with a mirthless smile. "So our holy mission of making everyone feel thoroughly guilty just for sustaining their miserable lives is still on course."

"Meanwhile, be assured that we'll be compensating for any spontaneous outbreaks of public happiness by generating lots more scary stories about Omega-3 turning your child into a crack whore, or vitamins causing fatal multiple orifice evacuations during sex," he warned, adding: "Making those up is the bit I love most about this job."

Eat Yourself Fitter

Schools Secretary Ed Balls has launched a programme aimed at tackling childhood obesity, in which schools will give out a cookbook to all 11-year-olds in England.

The Real Meals cookbook will include instructions on such kitchen skills as the right toaster setting for waffles, and how much milk to pour onto Coco Pops.

“As if we haven’t cluttered up the school curriculum with enough rubbish, teachers can now try to shoehorn cooking lessons for 11 to 14-year-olds into the timetable,” said Mr Balls. “Parents are useless oafs, and can’t be expected to pass on any skills or knowledge to their children. Jesus, we’ll be introducing potty training for year 10 students next.”

We showed copies of the cookbook to children at a local school. They told us that, although they couldn’t understand most of the words, the pictures made them feel quite peckish and could we spare a couple of pounds for a KFC bargain bucket, please?

The Blob

A leading expert has claimed that the threat to Britain from obesity is as serious as the danger posed by terrorism.

David Hunter, a professor in expertology at Crossroads University, said that since the 70s, successive governments had “tinkered round the edges” of the rising tidal wave of fat, which now threatened to overwhelm the NHS completely. He called on ministers to take “bold action” now.

“If you see a fat person waddling down the street toward you, be afraid,” he said. “Be very afraid.”

Police urged the public to remain calm in the podgy face of the fat threat, however.

“We are working to build wider cells in our police stations,” said Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair. “Meanwhile, we urge the government to give us the tools to tackle this problem. Much as we’d like to, we can’t simply blast the streets of London clear of lard-arses. Bullets either stop before they reach vital organs, or simply bounce off, posing a hazard to innocent bystanders and, more importantly, our firearms officers. What we need is flamethrowers and napalm grenade launchers.”

Radical Islamic terrorists, meanwhile, are reported to be considering the launch of a terrifying wave of crisps, chocolate bars and delicious fried chicken wings on the streets of Britain.