The Blob

A leading expert has claimed that the threat to Britain from obesity is as serious as the danger posed by terrorism.

David Hunter, a professor in expertology at Crossroads University, said that since the 70s, successive governments had “tinkered round the edges” of the rising tidal wave of fat, which now threatened to overwhelm the NHS completely. He called on ministers to take “bold action” now.

“If you see a fat person waddling down the street toward you, be afraid,” he said. “Be very afraid.”

Police urged the public to remain calm in the podgy face of the fat threat, however.

“We are working to build wider cells in our police stations,” said Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair. “Meanwhile, we urge the government to give us the tools to tackle this problem. Much as we’d like to, we can’t simply blast the streets of London clear of lard-arses. Bullets either stop before they reach vital organs, or simply bounce off, posing a hazard to innocent bystanders and, more importantly, our firearms officers. What we need is flamethrowers and napalm grenade launchers.”

Radical Islamic terrorists, meanwhile, are reported to be considering the launch of a terrifying wave of crisps, chocolate bars and delicious fried chicken wings on the streets of Britain.