The inhabitants of the quiet Devon city of Exeter are struggling to pick up their lives, after becoming the target of the World’s Worst Terrorist Attack last week.
The incident saw the World’s Worst Terrorist – Mr Blimey O’Reilly from Plymouth – take his jerry-built firework 45 miles up the A38 on the Exeter bus before successfully blowing his own face off in a toilet.
Staff at Giraffes Restaurant said they heard three sharp cracks as O’Blimey’s cracker went off.
“I thought, ‘Oh, brilliant. That lardy janner’s gone and busted the lav’,” said one of the staff. “Then he came staggering out of the gents with blood on his face and I thought, ‘Must’ve tripped and fallen head-first into the urinal, then.’ It was only when he said, ‘O bugger me, moy bleddy bomb din’ bleddy wurk!’ that I realised I had in fact witnessed the Worst Terrorist Attack in the World. I called the Guinness Book of Records, then the police.”
Devon and Cornwall Police followed up the incident by mounting an armed raid on a pavement café in Plymouth on Friday, arresting a man for Looking Like He Weren’t From Round Here in a public place. A passing student captured the chaos in the World’s Worst Mobile Phone Footage of Something Happening.
Exonians are displaying typical British stoicism in the face of the attack. “We thought the suicide bomber who set himself on fire in Scotland last year was pretty damned useless,” said one, “But if you wanted to find someone even dimmer than that, I suppose Plymouth would be the place to look. I’m trying to get back to normality, but I’m afraid it’ll be a while before I stop laughing.”
The police later revealed that Blimey O’Reilly was known to them beforehand.
“Oh yes, we knew he was useless ages ago,” said a force spokesman at the Exeter HQ. “In fact we were hoping he’d blow himself up on the Shoplifters’ Express on the way up and take all those thieving Plymoid chavs with him.”
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