Following an international conference in Dublin, Gordon Brown has announced that the UK is to end the use of clusterfucks.
More than 100 nations have agreed the ban on the deadly weapons delivery systems, in which one enormous bombshell opens in mid-air above the target and showers those below with multiple smaller munitions, or ‘fucklets’ which spread over a wide area. Critics of the weapons say that these can smoulder away for years before exploding.
During the conference, delegates heard harrowing stories from clusterfuck victims. Gordon Brown spoke movingly of how his predecessor, Tony Blair, dropped clusterfucks indiscriminately during his ten years in office.
“Blair clusterfucked me completely last year,” wept Mr Brown. “After engaging in multiple clusterfucking operations on behalf of President Bush in Iraq and Afghanistan, he just couldn’t stop dropping these things. Ever since I took over the job of Prime Minister, the bombs he left behind have been exploding under my feet. Now I’m being clusterfucked by his friends, who are indiscriminately dropping delayed-action books all over the place. I’m crippled for the rest of my shortened life.”
However, world powers like the US, China and Russia – which have huge stockpiles of ready-to-use clusterfucks – have opposed the move. Furthermore, the ban only covers existing designs - meaning that Mr Brown could legitimately come up with clusterfucking designs of his own for future use.
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