Parents are utterly convinced that a knife-wielding maniac will murder their children unless they are protected from stab wounds by a six-inch layer of fat, according to a survey published today.
The poll shows that only 5% of parents thought that shovelling an endless stream of crisps and sugar down their bloated children’s throats posed any health risk, yet one in three was absolutely certain that a bad man would certainly jump out and dismember their little darlings if they were irresponsible enough to let them waddle to school.
“For some reason, parents are convinced that some evil stranger wants nothing more than to deprive the world of their blubbery spawn,” said a parenting expert with a certificate. “But the stark truth is that children are most at risk from members of their family circle - especially when their family circle contains at least one utter fuckwit."
"Which, according to these figures, seems to be a statistical certainty,” she added.
Britain’s upset parents reacted to the findings by running wild in supermarkets, shouting and screaming, “Why int the Walkers multipacks on special offer no more?” and “Where’s them oven chips?” until their vexed children suddenly exploded in temper tantrums and yelled at their unruly parents to get here, now, and shut the fuck up.
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