Your Children’s Irredeemable Ghastliness Might Possibly Have Something To Do With Yours

The spoilt behaviour, self-obsessed attitudes and impossible expectations of your godawful spawn could conceivably be in some way connected to your spoilt behaviour, self-obsessed attitudes and impossible expectations, Ofsted chief inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw told Britain’s appalling parents – i.e. you - moments before sealing himself inside the well-stocked secret bunker where he will spend the rest of his life avoiding your wrath.

Oh look, it's the latterday Virgin Mary

“It might have helped a bit if you hadn’t appointed Jordan - a walking orange whose tits drip silicates - as the 21st-century equivalent of Dr Benjamin Spock,” he warned sadly. “And perhaps if you hadn’t delegated all responsibility for your offspring’s welfare and development to their poor bloody teachers, the DVD player and a Nintendo DS Lite, they might even consider standing on their own two feet one day, instead of plaguing you with incessant, whining demands until the merciful day that you die. Which, needless to say, they will never forgive you for.”

“But hey, don’t listen to me because I’m only some sort of expert, so what do I know?” Sir Michael added ruefully, as the hatch closed over his head forever. “Whereas you, of course, were born knowing it all.”