Contact With Anybody At All Turns Young People Into Teenage Alcoholics

This always happens whenever two children meet

Coming into contact with parents or friends is the cause of underage drinking, according to new research from the Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles Foundation published today.

If children see their parents drinking, even once or twice, they will get pissed immediately,” asserted head researcher Dr Melvin Strangelove of Dipsos MORI, who conducted the poll. “If children spend any time with friends, they will get pissed immediately. The only conclusion is for children to be taken away at birth and confined to a padded cell for eighteen years. QED.”

“Whilst in solitary confinement, it is imperative that the child not be shown any 18-rated films,” he elaborated sternly. “If they see one, they will get pissed immediately.”

A spokesman for the government, however, pointed out that there were some fantastic discounts on twelve-packs of lager at Tesco and Sainsburys at the moment.