A two-year survey by the Children’s Society has found that - despite having more of everything than any previous generation - today’s children remain tragically unhappy, viciously aggressive and horribly prone to mental illness, and lays the blame squarely at the feet of selfish parents.
“It’s all the fault of these wicked women,” said one of the report’s authors, Percy Fossil. “The damned whores insist on having their own precious careers, instead of spending their lives chained to the kitchen table with a child clamped to each nipple as the good Lord intended.”
According to the survey, the children of today are relentlessly bombarded with advertisements for costly material goods as they absorb a non-stop diet of violent television and internet porn. They are also forced into comparing the finely-sculpted features of pampered celebrities with their own hideous, potato-like faces - leading to a total collapse in self-confidence which inevitably spirals into depression, self-harming and constant demands for increasingly-expensive consumer products to deflect their feelings of utter inadequacy.
Meanwhile, their uncaring parents selfishly work all the hours of the day to buy their traumatised offspring more and more things they don’t need in order to gain a brief respite from their never-ending whiny demands – and then spend up to four selfish hours a night asleep, cruelly ignoring the tragic plight of their children.
“I’ve tried so hard to love my kids, really I have,” wept one woman as she selfishly pursued her career at the checkout in Morrison’s. “But it’s just so hard sometimes. Only this morning they stamped on the Playstation 3 and told me they’ll cut themselves and call the social if I don’t come home tonight with a MacBook Air.”