Britain is celebrating its return to the top of the international underage-sex tables today - thanks to a sterling effort by 13-year-old Alfie Patten, who successfully put a bun in his 15-year-old girlfriend Chantelle Steadman's oven a mere 3 minutes 20 seconds after his balls dropped.
"For decades, the UK proudly held the record for the largest number of teenage pregnancies in the world," said Prime Minister Gordon Brown today. "In recent years, however, we have lost our place at the top of the league tables to the ignorant trans-pubescents of America. I urge our vast army of stupid, no-prospect teens - and, what the hell, preteens too, if they can get it up - to take inspiration from young Alfie and Chantelle. Put the Nintendo down for five minutes, lads - drop your football shorts and restore Britain to its rightful position as the most sexually-backward nation of ignorant fuckers on the planet. Show the world what you can do with your tiny willies. Let's face it, we're crap at everything else - so thank God we can beat the foreigners at something."
Meanwhile, Alfie has vowed that he will be a good father to baby Maisie Roxanne, as long as it doesn't interfere with his efforts to get the high score on Grand Theft Auto IV, and says he is looking forward to becoming a semi-permanent fixture on the Jeremy Kyle Show for years to come.