Parents are being warned that their infant children are not really little men and princesses, no matter what they might fondly believe, after two-year-old Johnny Hall toddled through a gate and into the path of a speeding train while his mother was chatting to relatives at a travellers' site next to the railway line.
As police investigators scraped little Johnny off the wheels of the Lincoln-Peterborough train, his aunt told reporters that his death was a "tragic accident" and nobody was to blame - especially not his mother, nor any of his other pikey relatives who were present and allowed him wander head-first into a 60mph train because they were busy discussing the price of heather.
Little Johnny's mother - who saw her young son splattered to bits, after she belatedly decided that losing sight of a two-year-old when you are standing next to a busy railway track might not be considered good parenting - is said to be distraught. However, relatives hoped she would soon be recovered enough to ring some real solicitors at the National Accident Helpline to see about getting some compy.
"Children are increasingly treated like tiny, demanding adults by their parents," warned a child psychologist. "But they're not adults. They're fuckwits. If you must think of them as small grown-up people, try to imagine them as Mr Bean with a strong deathwish."
"But the essential thing to remember, above all other considerations," he added, "Is that no matter how clever you think they are, your kids are complete and utter fuckwits."
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