Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Drug Expert Denounces 'Political' Politicians

The government's chief drugs advisor, Nutty Dave, has hit out at politicians, saying their decision to ignore his committee's advice on ecstasy was "political".

"Ahh man... our job - right - is not to like, give messages to the public, yeah, do you know what I'm saying?" explained the Professor as he danced vigorously to a repetitive, pounding electronic beat that existed only inside his head. "Our job is to... is to.. what the fuck is our job, I don't fucking know... shit... hang on, I wrote it on the back of my hand so I wouldn't forget... our job... our job, right... our fucking job is to like tell the home minister and the drugs secretary and the spliff captain and the trouser bird and... whatever... yeah, like tell the whole fucking so-called fucking establishment, right, about the relative harms of drugs - which is, like, total bollocks 'cos they don't do you no harm never if you just, like, just use them right, yeah? It's just fucking typical politicians being all political, it's all, like, fucking politics - no, 'sall right, man, I'm cool, they're just like fuckin'... fuckin'... fuuuuuck."

The Professor had previously been forced to apologise after saying that taking ecstasy was "a bit like riding a horse, right - unless of course it's been pumped full of K."

Defending the government's refusal to downgrade ecstasy from Class A to Class B, Home Office Minister Alan Campbell said that, although there was little hard evidence to suggest that ecstasy was particularly dangerous, it was the duty of the government to distract the public's attention from the dreadful state of the economy for five minutes.

Speaking on behalf of his colleagues on the Purple Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs 'n' Shit, Nutty Dave called for further research into the effects of taking ecstasy, and offered to start right now by taking a couple himself.

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