Amy Troubled-Winehouse, the popular drugsponge, had to abandon her long-threatened comeback performance at the St Lucia Jazz Festival due to "technical difficulties", according to a spokesman.
The troubled singer appeared to have trouble remembering the words to several songs she wrote when she still had a couple of functioning brain cells. She was further troubled with an attack of boredom in the middle of a song. One thing not troubling her at all, however, was the tiniest shred of concern over disappointing any remaining fans.
"I'm not disappointed at all," said one festivalgoer. "People came to watch a self-centred brat pumped full of veterinary-strength narcotics piss all over as many people as possible, and that's exactly what we got."
Many jazz fans expressed their relief that the human pincushion had not made any attempt to sing.
"Amy Winehouse may be a feeble excuse for a human being with no sense of responsibility, decency or self-worth," said a local music fan, "But at least she appears to have finally lost interest in forcing her godawful corncrake voice into people's ears."
"Amy would like to express her disappointment that dancing pterodactyls forced the abandonment of her show last night," a spokesman told the media as his employer sat comatose beneath a gasometer, inhaling a cocktail of helium, nitrous oxide, atomised heroin, swine flu and Vaporub.
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