There was widespread joy among parents of moping teenagers today, as researchers at Bristol University announced that - contrary to the recommendations of pharmaceutical industry regulators back in 2003 - shovelling anti-depressants down the throats of the under-18s by the bucket-load does not actually increase the risk of suicide after all.
"Our study of SSRI use by the target age group took place over a sixteen-year period," said study leader Dr Strangelove, "And the suicide rate wasn't affected in the slightest after the restrictions were put in place. So the message to anxious parents is clear: mums and dads can get back to pumping their whining brats full of citalopram right now."
According to doctors, today's teenagers are experiencing an unprecedented tidal wave of depression as, in addition to nobody understanding what they are going through - namely acne, bum fluff and a tragically-unrequited passion for Bob Dylan - they have just learned that they are expected to pay for Gordon Brown's inability to see any connection between the words 'banker' and 'greedy' for half of their entire working lives.
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