Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Thrills, Pills and Bellyaches

Amy Troubled-Whinehouse has been released from University College Hospital, after being admitted last night suffering from what is being described as a “reaction to medication.”

Ms Troubled-Whinehouse - who apparently sang a song once, thereby qualifying as a bona fide celebrity and one of the most massively talented performers in the world in space - is said to have accidentally consumed all the medication in London.

“I don’t know how it happened,” said her father last night. “All of a sudden I heard a burp and a thud, and when I looked round Amy had slumped to the floor looking like a syringe pincushion, surrounded by pills of all the colours of the spectrum and with a plastic spoon sticking out of her mouth. I think that one was Benylin.”

A spokesman for University College Hospital last night confirmed that the leading drug-taker of her generation was recovering in a private room, with a hosepipe connected to each end.

“Ms Whinehouse is recovering well, and is sitting up and swearing normally,” said the consultant. “But I’m more concerned about all the people who will have to suffer because of her using up all our pharmaceutical stocks. I’ve just had to tell little Timmy that, thanks to Amy Whinehouse’s misdirected greed, he’s going to die. OK, so she signed a photo for him and he went away happy - but that’s hardly the point, is it?”

It is unclear how Ms Troubled-Whinehouse came to be in possession of all the medical supplies in London - but her friend Pete Doherty had been seen earlier running away from several hospitals and branches of Boots, carrying a large hessian sack.

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