Load of Red Bull

Red Bull and other energy drinks are a growing problem among schoolchildren, according to a leading drugs expert.

Bob Tait of Drug Awareness UK said that when he went into schools to talk about drugs he often encountered pupils who were taking too many energy drinks, and advised school nurses to be on the lookout for symptoms of energy drink abuse, such as hyperactivity, restlessness, chest pains, headache and racing tiny aeroplanes at low altitudes.

“If these kids are mainlining on Red Bull now, it’s only a matter of time before they start cutting it with vodka, and giving it large in the playground,” he warned. “I have done some research, and I think they may be getting these deadly energy drink fixes from street-corner dealers like Spar and Costcutter. Make no mistake - just one sip from a 250ml can of V will blow their eyes clean out of their sockets. And as for Lucozade, it doesn’t keep the doctor away but it does give a fifteen-year-old a coronary in seconds. Fact! These children might as well strap hand grenades to their heads and jump into a vat of nitric acid brim-full of hungry sharks. Excuse me, I must just go and lie down for a minute.”

A spokesman for Red Bull said, "Oh, for fuck's sake. In general, children are more sensitive to caffeine than adults, this is why we do not recommend Red Bull to sensitive individuals including children. Nor, for that matter, do we recommend the wearing of hand grenades as fashion accessories or swimming in shark-infested acid, unless it is done responsibly by adults. He’s bloody right about that V stuff, though. I had a swig of it once at a trade show, and my nose exploded."

The government said it was adopting a cautious, wait-and-see approach to the matter.

“We’ll wait and see if the Daily Mail runs a front-page scare story about it,” said a tired-looking, red-eyed junior health minister.