Cameron ‘Goddamned Angry’ Over EU Reluctance To Admit Turkey

A mere week after visiting the United States, British PM and respected world statesman David Cameron has hit out at EU delays in processing Turkey’s application to join, declaring: “I’m here to constructionalize the case for Turkey’s freakin’ membership of your piss-ant EU. And to kick ass for it.”

Reading from his notes on a sheet of 10” x 8” paper, Mr Cameron went on to tell his fellow European leaders: “Okay, so they slam journalists in jail for criticalisin’ the administration. Okay, so they’re winnin’ the hearts and minds of their Kurdish ethnics with shock and awe. Okay, so they illegalize any political party their generals don’t take a shine to. Blah, blah, blah. Well, boo friggin’ hoo.”

“On the additive side, hell do they hate commies,” he went on. “As paid-up members of NATO, those red-hatin’ bastards done given us read our trusty US allies carte blanche to set up airbases and listening posts anywhere we read they friggin’ well please. And they’re about the only muthafuckin’ Ay-rabs who don’t figger on exterminatin’ our Israeli buddies, note check status and delete if necessary.”

Mr Cameron dismissed claims that he was merely expressing the United States’ desire for an extra voting hand with which to interfere in Europe’s internal affairs, scoffing: “Get outa here! If these words don’t sum up 110% the feelings of the British people, well, you can call me whitey.”

As soon as he has finished explaining Britain’s completely independent vision for Europe, Mr Cameron is due to fly to India - where he will add Britain to the sub-continent’s countless throng of destitute beggars.

Sarah Ferguson Wanted For Committing Crimes Against Humanity To Film

The British public is being warned to stay away from desperate criminal fugitive the Duchess of York, who is tonight on the run from police seeking to question her on behalf of the Turkish government on suspicion of committing a documentary against the Turkish nation.

In the alleged documentary, shown last November, the renegade royal viciously held up the Turkish authorities to public criticism, bursting into a state-run orphanage with her gang of desperado (Princess Eugenie) before callously blowing the lid on the callous neglect and abuse of innocent orphans.

"This evil woman must be stopped before she commits any more acts of wanton undercover journalism," said a Turkish general out of the corner of his mouth, with his hand up the backside of his comical puppet foreign minister Ali Babacan. "Turkey is a wonderful place for a suntan, as any cheapskate who has enjoyed our glorious Kurd-free beaches will readily attest - unless, of course, they want a hands-on visit to our legendary prison system thrown in for free on their next visit."

"We would also like to point out to the British government that we also have a very big oil pipeline, with a tap attached to it," he added.

The US government is also expected to put pressure on Britain to extradite the feared 'Fergie' to Turkey, where it maintains several airbases and missile silos in case the Commies ever come back.

"What's the big deal?" commented US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "We hear you guys are real keen on sending criminals back to dodgy oil-rich Muslim countries these days."

"Next time you want to poke your noses into our orphanages, send Elton John instead," suggested the secretive Turkish general, keeping carefully in the background and drinking a glass of water while his ministerial dummy cried hilarious fake tears. "Everybody will just tell him to stop pretending to be Madonna, and forget all about it."