British Parents ‘Very Disappointed’ Over Children’s Inability To Order Fresh Beer Deliveries

Hello, Esther Rantzen? What's your cheapest vodka?

Britain’s drink-sodden parents revived for long enough to slur their disappointment today, after ChildLine reported that it was receiving more than 100 calls a week from idiot children mistaking its alcohol helpline for the doorstep booze suppliers their parents were urging them to ring because they were unable to focus on the buttons themselves.

“Wossa bladdy point uv kids, right, if the little bastuds is too fackin’ fick to ring fr’anuvva crate uv San Miguel?” shouted one typical dad lying slumped on a sofa, as social workers bundled his traumatised 7-year-old daughter into care. “Well, ya kin fack right orf, y’dozy little caah.”

“If y’wanna job dun right, do it y’self jenotameen?” he mumbled, stabbing the air with a finger and knocking a bottle off the arm of the sofa. “A’m orf dahn Argos first fing t’morra afternoon when I wake ap innit, git meself one a’ them phones wiv a big fack-off button faw emergencies. Sawtid.”

“Fack it!” he suddenly exploded. “’ow’s the silly littow bitch s’posed ta program the namba in if she int bladdy ‘ere? Inconsid’rate bladdy social.”