New swine flu guidelines, issued to childminders and nurseries by the Department for Children, Schools and Families, suggest that cuddly toys, pencils, crayons and musical instruments are almost certain to result in immediate piggy death for any child who touches them.
"Clean hard toys by hosing them down with pure ammonia every five minutes," is the official government advice to the childcare sector. "Try to avoid children sharing soft toys, as these are difficult to clean adequately unless they are small enough to be roasted for an hour inside a pressure cooker full of nitric acid. The toys, that is - not the children. Although that would work too."
"Actually, your best bet is to fit all children with scuba tanks as soon as they're dropped off, then seal them into polythene bags and shut them inside individual lockers until their parents come to collect them," concludes the guide.
Families have responded angrily to the news that their children may become carriers of the dreaded piggy death disease which is wiping out millions. Many concerned parents are already abandoning their potentially unclean offspring on the doorsteps of council offices and hospitals, or just turning them out of their homes with a Nintendo DS, a bag of crisps and a bottle of Sunny Delight, with a bell tied round their necks warning others not to approach them under any circumstances.
No comments:
Post a Comment