Britain's new Smokebannführer, Professor Terence Stephenson, has called on the government to issue shoot-to-kill orders on parents who light up while driving with children in their cars.
Resplendent in his shiny new black uniform, the newly-appointed Chancellor of the Reichskollege of Paediatrics and Child Health issued his strident call from the commander's hatch of a Stürmtiger tank, parked on a bridge overlooking the M25.
"Achtung! Der vellgeknöwenfact ist zat der schmökers' childrens spend ze brief, stunted lifes coughing up der own trachaeae, before expiring in der sticky explosion of tar und lungs before reaching puberty," he screamed, firing off a huge rocket-propelled shell into the face of a van driver holding a cigarette out of the window. "Parents who force ze liddel childrens to breathe der zweitehandeschmökens might as vell pour ze reeking contents of ze strassbandsbrazier down zer tender throats."
"Make no mistake, schmöker schwein," he continued. "Today I haf your car in my sights! Tomorrow, you can expect ze knock on ze door in ze middle of ze night. Childrens! Do your parents own ein zippo, hein? It is your duty to report zem to me at vunce! Anyvun who asks to see evidence proving ze existence of der zweitehandgeschmökenskrankheit is der traitor! Zey, zer family und zer friends vill be herded into ze nearest church und burned alive - zey vill zen be fined for atmospheric pollutions. Resistance is useless! If you gif up der schmökes, you vill last for a thousand years! Health Hitler!"
A 10 Downing Street spokesman commented: "The Prime Minister is most interested in the Reichspresident's suggestion, as it chimes with his natural instinct to ruthlessly track down and kill joy wherever it is to be found. There is a problem, however, as it also clashes with his other natural instinct, which is to clobber people with tax, tax and more tax."
"Have you got a telephone?" he added. "That'll be 50p a month. Welcome to the digital revolution, suckers."
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