Thursday 7 January 2010

Facebook Cures Breast Cancer

The little-known medical condition known to specialists as breast cancer was today eradicated forever, after millions of breast owners united on social networking site Facebook to find a cure for the disease by telling everyone what colour their bra was.

Millions of stupid men logging on today were greeted by an apparently-inexplicable welter of one-word status updates, mainly 'black' or 'white'. Stupid, selfish men attempting to seek clarification were met with a hail of disapproval from irate breast owners, and castigated for their emotionally-stunted callousness.

Meanwhile, thousands of middle-aged housewives desperately tried to convince their friends that they were insatiable sexual athletes, by claiming that they were wearing a red bra.

The campaign - the inspired product of a brain-storming, nostril-destroying all-nighter at award-winning marketing solutions agency PoLLy WhaLLey DudaLL - has single-handedly succeeded in destroying the deadly cancer where decades of medical research and screening failed.

"The key conceptualising element was - if you'll deign to forgive the inescapable deploymentation of arcane marketing jargon here - 'Awareness'," said head sniffer Crispin WhaLLey, resplendent in the red tie and glasses of his profession. "Millions of innocent breast owners have been quite literally dying of tit rot every day, simply because they failed to prioritise the roll-out of a quasi-psychological bra strategy which identified recognition of fabric colour optimisation techniques as the essential driving force behind their perceptions of their physical selves as quintessentially sexual entities."

"By empowering them to confront the appropriacy of their scaffolding choices, through the viral co-optionment of Facebook as a meme-distribution analogue," he continued, "Our guerrilla campaign has ensured that no woman will ever again experience troubling concerns about the latent capacity of her funbags to send her to an early grave."

Linguistic experts say that Mr WhaLLey's statement may take years to decipher. However, the medical establishment agreed that the miracle of Facebook had indeed cured breast cancer forever - just as it has brought about an end to wars, racism, natural disasters and all the other horrid things in the world.

"My bra is blue," posted a confused woman, via mobile. "Are my tits going to drop off? God in heaven help me."

Millions of stupid, insensitive men have also been posting that last sentence to their Facebook profiles, or selfishly demanding that women meekly surrender their now-redundant mobile mammography trailers for conversion, to save their useless, ugly gonads.

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