Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Facebook Temporarily Reassigns Hypothetical Future Ownership of Souls To Users

After an unprecedented outcry from many of its 175m victims, the social networking disease Facebook has backed down - for the time being - from its claims to own their mortal souls for all eternity.

The row began two weeks ago when Facebook altered its Terms of Service, allocating to itself the right to send people into every user's home and forcibly tattoo 'Property of Mark Zuckerberg' onto their foreheads.

Mr Zuckerberg, 5 - a stereotypical friendless nerd who originally founded the website as a means of keeping in touch with his other kindergarten playmates, oblivious to the fact they all hated him at first sight - pointed out that the precious content that people seemed to be getting so worked up about consisted mainly of trivial brainfarts about their drunken antics, trivial emotional upsets and peculiarly fact-resistant worldviews.

"As you drooling retards clearly can't make sense of a simple contract written in your own blood by my legal representative Mephistopheles, I have decided to withdraw it temporarily," snorted Mr Zuckerberg from his luxury dork-tank at the centre of the Earth. "I still retain the rights to the precious souls you cheerfully donated to me under the old contract - which, of course, you didn't bother to read, tee hee - but since you all seem to be getting so shirty about me owning you for all eternity, I'll gladly pass up on that particular claim for now. And later, as soon as your pathetic five-minute attention span has been distracted, I'll just reinstate it with the words in a slightly different order and backdate it," he added. "Happy now, morons? Nerk, nerk."

Millions of disgruntled Facebook addicts immediately celebrated their entirely imaginary victory, then went off to YouTube to laugh at a Muslim being publicly beheaded, or something.

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