The government has announced its aim of spying on users of social networking websites such as Facebook and MySpace, after it emerged that Gordon Brown has issued friend requests to every single user in Britain, all of whom instantly rejected him.
Home Office Minister Vernon Poaker told a Commons committee that the Prime Minister was a sad, lonely man whose one desperate wish in the whole wide world was simply to know what everyone was saying, doing and thinking at any given moment of the day and night.
"Imagine how you would feel if you really wanted a game of Scrabulous, but the only name on your friend list was George W Bush," said Mr Poaker sorrowfully. "Even Mr Brown's own Cabinet colleagues have blocked him."
"There is nothing even remotely sinister about the government having access to everybody's innermost thoughts," he reassured the public. "Mr Brown would be overjoyed to receive a group invitation to a flash-mob event just once in his tragic, empty life. He would love to invite fellow users to join his group for fans of pocket calculators. He is particularly proud of his original, late-seventies Casio fx81 with its original vinyl pouch - as anyone who joins will discover by browsing his thrilling photographs and an amusing video clip of its sticking '0' button, which has caused him no end of trouble over the years."
"Gordon is particularly keen to hear from anyone who owns a working Ti59 programmable, the Rolls-Royce of calculators in its day," added Mr Poaker. "Failing that, he would dearly love the population to complete his just-for-fun quiz, in which he asks what colour everyone's pants and shoes are, and whether they have ever expressed any opinions contrary to his own."