Sunday, 30 October 2011

Mail On Sunday Launches Pre-Emptive Strike On Europe

After uncovering incontrovertible proof in the head of rentahistorian Dominic Sandbrook that sneaky Europe has drawn up plans for the brutal conquest and enslavement of the plucky English master race in 2018, the Mail on Sunday has fearlessly declared war on the hated continent - hurling its dreaded columns against the evil European superstate even as a traitorous Nick Clegg pathetically waved a worthless piece in the Observer, in which he feebly claimed that the scheming dictatorship was solely interested in restoring its historic finances.
The top-secret Euro invasion plan the Mail uncovered in Dominic Sandbrook's head
“Time is running out for Cameron, boys!” urged Brigadier Nick Deadwood, spearheading the Mail’s Own Fact-Lite Infantry division as it marched heroically aboard the Eurostar 08:26 at St Pancras. “He must act damned fast to exploit the EU’s weakness to British advantage. Cameron can do this. We will soon find out if he will. If he won’t, then it is surely time to tell him: ‘You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go!’ We can then recall our much-mocked visionary editor, Paul Dacre, from the political wilderness and offer him the honour of stirring our proud empire to victory.”

Leading the paper’s 1st Airhead Division onto their waiting Easyjet transport, Colonel Mathew Irriott blithered: "To kick off the war, here is the list of demands which I think should be jolly well taken by force to the negotiating table. It is not exhaustive, but it’s a start: 1. Rejecting the unspeakably foreign European credo of ‘peace in Europe’… well, I think that’ll do for starters, what? I might come up with a couple more on the way over, when I’ve got my head back up in the clouds.”

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