Messerschmitt 109 Was Jewish, Claims Mail On Sunday

Sneaky strong-leadership advocate Adolf Hitler blatantly thieved the design of the Messerschmitt 109 fighter from a Jewish paper-dart enthusiast, according to a sensational claim in the Mail On Sunday which could rewrite the entire history of the 20th century.

To a trained pilot, there's no difference whatsoever

Lazy academics have, until now, unquestioningly swallowed Nazi propaganda identifying Dipl-Ing Willi Messerschmitt as the man who copied out Hitler’s supposedly original blueprint for the fearsome spearhead of the Blitzkrieg. However, according to motoring journalist and therefore, by extension, world-class historian Paul Pieschpoord – who, by sheer coincidence, has a book out which he would quite like you to buy – the aircraft’s true designer was none other than bored Yiddish accountant’s clerk Samuel Cohen, whose major contributions to the field of aeronautics were subsequently covered up by Hitler’s henchmen.

“Immediately following his rise to power, Hitler’s SA thugs were ordered to scour all of the rubbish in the Reich, looking for brilliant ideas to steal,” explained Pieschpoord earnestly. “It’s a well-known fact that the V2 missile, for example, was simply a scaled-up cocktail shaker based on a rejected sketch found in a bin round the back of the Bauhaus.”

Pieschpoord pointed out the exact similarity of the Cohen and Hitler fighter designs, both of which unmistakeably share two wings and a tail fin, and called on aviation historians to refer to the design from now on solely as the Cohen Ch109.

NHS: ‘Say What You Like About Hitler But Boy, Could He Motivate People’

West Midlands Ambulance Service has defended asking staff to rate Hitler’s coolness in a survey, pointing out that the most evil man in history “galvanised a nation into doing something quite unusual.”

The survey, entitled “Making Mass Murder of the Sick Cool: How Emerging Leaders Wish To Be Managed And Supported”, was distributed to 4,000 members of staff, along with a cyanide gas cylinder for each ambulance.

A spokesman for the service later screamed at reporters: “The staff involved were not trying to cause offence to anybody. If they had, they wouldn’t have issued a questionnaire – they would simply have annexed A&E and overrun Birmingham City Hospital.”

"In discussing different styles of leadership, a survey which is one small part of the project sought to include an analysis of the dictatorial style,” he added. “With hindsight, it would have been better to have used a different example to illustrate this. Maybe Gordon Brown – whoops, sorry, he was in the survey too."

Bruno Ganz Declares War On Internet

The world has today found itself plunged into bloody conflict, as the wrath of Bruno Ganz was brutally unleashed upon a defenceless internet.

Screaming his message of hate in German, the Swiss actor-turned-warmonger declared that he was "no longer prepared to endure this humiliation at the hands of every pissy little wankstain who's figured out how to add captions to video clips."

With the launch of yet another tiresome and predictable YouTube posting - in which, predictably, the tiresome actor appears to be ranting about the predictable shortcomings of the tiresome Apple iPad via a tiresome sequence of predictable subtitles - it is now estimated that there are now more mashups featuring Ganz than the total audience numbers for Downfall, the film about Hitler's final days in his Berlin bunker, from which the predictable scene has been tiresomely ripped.

All over the world, shocked fans of the clips are reeling before the actor's lightning assault.

"That Hitler guy just cracks me up every time," whimpered netfugee Dave Ork, a freelance website designer from Hoboken, N.J., pathetically clutching his only remaining possession, a hastily-ripped DVD+R of his favourite non-amusing bunker rants. "I so agree with everything he says. Like, why would anyone want to exterminate me?"