Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Just One More Eye-Wateringly Expensive Supercomputer And We’ll Have This Rain Thing Sussed, Promises Top Weather Idiot

Just 24 hours after falsely promising an unfeasible day of glorious sunshine sandwiched between two days of torrential rain for Plymouth, one of the wettest cities in England, Met Office idiots demanded squillions more out of taxpayers for an even bigger, faster computer capable of making even bigger, faster mistakes.

“We currently own several of the most powerful supercomputers in the UK, yet we couldn’t tell you you’d get wet if you jumped in the sea,” admitted chief idiot Professor Paul Brainaker. “Obviously, the problem is that we don’t have the biggest computer in the world.”

Would have been an option, but they've all been scrapped
“This may seem counter-intuitive to the ignorant layman, who sees a hundred-mile wide wall of black cloud pissing it down all over Devon and Cornwall and guesses that perhaps some sort of coat might be in order, basing his wild stab in the dark on no more scientific evidence than a map which shows Plymouth squatting right between the two counties with sod-all between it and these fuck-off great squalls hammering in straight off the Atlantic,” he scoffed.

“When we bunged the speed and course of this bloody great storm into our wizzo computers, however, and ran them through complex prediction algorithms devised by the best brains government funding can offer,” he explained, “Our declaration that a supernatural oasis of sunshine would suddenly somehow pop into existence over Plymouth to miraculously divert six inches of rainfall seemed eminently plausible. It was only wrong by a trifling factor of 100% because the computers were simply not quite big, or fast, or eye-wateringly expensive enough. Just give us a nice blank cheque with plenty of room room for lots of zeroes, and we’ll be able to forecast the weather for every individual street in Britain. I shit you not.”

When it was pointed out the RAF used to achieve similar levels of accuracy with a handful of knackered old bombers, a chinless wonder by the name of Corky and a wooden slide rule, Prof Brainaker ranted about global warming for five minutes before stamping off to play Call Of Duty: Black Ops at the second highest possible resolution, with only ‘typical supercomputer’ levels of flying blood and guts.

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