Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Wino Mumbles Something About Jihad For Christmas

Sharp-eared Sun hacks desperate for enough filler material to provide a spurious excuse for not mentioning the News Corp AGM triumphed today, uncovering what sounded a bit like a fiendish call for a Christmas jihad from a wino in Costcutter.

Commander Insert Made-Up Towel-Head Name, Sub made a chilling sight as he angrily threw dozens of grimy coins on the counter and kept forgetting the price of the cheapest vodka in the shop, according to fearless reporter Nick Porkies - who single-handedly uncovered the dastardly plot as he queued for 20 Marlboro and a scratchcard.

Take this with you next time you pop down the offy
“In his mad mumbled ravings, I distinctly heard the words ‘200 suicide bombers and assassins dressed as Santa are ready to blow up your children and what’s your cheapest baccy’,” asserted a shaken Mr Porkies, who managed to snap the Baby Jesus-hating madman after hastily smearing the lens of his iPhone with lard from a nearby special-offers display.

“If you see this murderous loony, or any other sad case who’s let himself go a bit, give us a ring and we’ll turn him into Public Enemy Number One,” urged Mr Porkies. “With the help of the vigilant Sun-reading public, let’s hope we can avoid the chilling spectre of the bloodbath at our AGM.”

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