Government To Boost Economy By Forcing Minor Offenders Into Lifetime Of Criminal Activity

The prime minister today unveiled a daring plan to boost Britain’s renascent criminal industry by deducting £25 a week from the benefits of petty criminals who have been fined for their minor misdemeanours - thereby forcing them to steal in order to stay alive.

“According to data produced by my fertile imagination and confirmed by the Daily Mail, all crime is committed by jobless skivers,” piped up David Cameron, with steam shooting out of his ears as his brain went into overdrive. “The government says that a person needs £67.50 a week to live on, and up to now the courts have decided that £62.50 is just about survivable when deducting fines from the benefits of the poor - who obviously can’t pay up immediately, because they are on a benefit expressly designed to keep them in penury.”

Bless him, he's putting the economy back on track

“All we have to do is tip them over the edge by slashing that to a miserable £42.50 a week,” beamed the PM. “They will then be forced to spend their time more productively by shoplifting, mugging and housebreaking simply to feed and clothe themselves and pay their household bills. When they’re caught, we’ll just keep it going by slapping fine after impossible fine on them. Just think of it as clawing back a significant proportion of Britain’s enormous welfare bill.”

“Theft is a fine British tradition we can all be proud of,” explained City analyst Rob Blind as he sipped cocktails from the deck of his yacht, which is an essential management tool for tax purposes. “We may not have an empire to loot any more, but it’s jolly good to know that the Conservatives are making strenuous efforts to restore our worldwide reputation as a powerhouse of criminal activity.”

The Daily Mail – whose owner, Lord Rothermere, speaks only French to the taxman - cautiously welcomed Mr Cameron’s visionary scheme, but pointed out that this growth industry - which is key to Britain’s future prosperity - would prosper even faster if his government followed it to its logical conclusion and abolished the hated welfare system tomorrow.