Absurdly Meaningless Role Now Open To Members Of Absurdly Inbred Family With Tits

All over the Commonwealth (whatever that is) democracy and equal rights campaigners with tits danced joyfully in the streets today as their elected representatives suddenly took it upon themselves to decide that their citizens would, in future, pay slavish obeisance to one member of one particular family sporting a pair of charlies, should she be fortunate enough to be born before any sibling with a willy.

One day you might discover what it feels like to be under these

“This long-overdue arbitrary decision corrects centuries of penile bigotry stemming from a previous arbitrary decision,” cheered the owner of an impressive pair of baps in Malawi. “My life will never be the same, knowing that I could one day be queen if only I’d been born into Windsor family.”

The Commonwealth heads also decided, on a whim, that future heads of the Windsor household would be free to marry anybody who believes they are literally eating their imaginary friend every Sunday – although, controversially, they insisted that any king or queen must still acknowledge that, although their imaginary friend’s imaginary dad may well have made the world in seven days, the fact that he also undoubtedly created velociraptors and trilobites before changing his mind suggests that his perception of time was almost certainly not the same as than ours.

However, the Commonwealth’s great and good stopped short of guaranteeing a lifetime of unimaginable privilege for any non-white descendents of Georg Ludwig Hanover, an obscure German who was handed Britain and Ireland on a plate in 1714.

“Don’t worry,” joked prime minister David Cameron. “That’s hardly likely to ever be an issue.”