Sarkozy Scores Direct Hit On Cameron With Record 15m Projectile Vomit

French president Nicolas Sarkozy earned a hearty round applause from impressed eurozone leaders today, with an impressive 15.2m hurl which coated a surprised David Cameron in half-digested bits of horse, goose and amphibian.

To be fair, it's all Britain could afford

“I got ze idea from ma leurvely liddle bebby, Giulia,” a drained M. Sarkozy explained afterwards, as Europe’s finance ministers carried him aloft on a euphoric lap of honour around the conference table in Brussels. “Ah sheuw ‘er ze nasty cheap Cameron geeft of ze peenk Wilko dishcloth, she take one leurk an’ she vom ‘erseulf. As ah am dreurping eet een ze bin, I am seenking, zut! I feel ze same way whenever ah regard ‘ees arrogant face. Zo ah am deciding to express maseulf.”

Wiping unwholesome chunks from his ruined suit, a reeking but resolutely diplomatic Mr Cameron sought to downplay the international barf incident.

“If Monsieur Sarkozy’s digestive tract rebels at the sight of me, you should see my gut reaction to my own backbenchers,” he smiled through gritted teeth. “In the last few days I’ve pebbledashed half the committee rooms in Westminster Hall. Poor old William Hague had to push my pancreas back in.”