Cosmetics Industry Told To Stop Fucking About With Photoshop And Promote Its Ground-Breaking Scientific Discoveries Instead

The Advertising Standards Authority has cracked down on the cosmetic industry’s widespread use of Photoshop to airbrush out even the faintest traces of organic imperfection from pictures of the celebrity owners of the world’s most perfect complexions, urging companies to put more emphasis instead on the revolutionary discoveries being made every day by white-coated geniuses with clipboards in their cutting-edge bioscience laboratories.

Waterfalls like this are vital scientific research tools

“When leading architects working at L’Oréal’s research station deep under the boulevards of Paris have found a way to shift women’s lashes in time - the fourth dimension - with magnets, isn’t Photoshop’s smudge tool a bit low-tech?” commented the ASA. “Remember, these extraordinary labs have also successfully isolated Pro-Retinol A from the rest of the alphabet, and millionized the humble brush. Isn’t that enough to convince people?”

The ASA also singled out Laboratoires Garnier for their Nobel prize-winning success in reinforcing active fruits, Olay for calculating the fiendishly abstract Wake-Me-Up formula to its last elusive digit and Lancôme’s astonishing reproduction of the aura, a phenomenon long thought to exist only in the imagination of hippies.

“Dyescoover fyusulf hoo th’ coosmehic yundusreh’s ympeccabool truck reckud yat th' cooten yedge uv syunteefuc yndivvur spyuks fur yitsulf aye,” said L’Oréal expert Cheryl Cole, stalling for time while her employers sent their graphics experts out to buy several dozen copies of Paint Shop Pro. “Kziuwoothet layk.”