Leave Crips On Railway Lines, Says Mail, We’ll Soon See If They Can Walk

One way or another, one of these should cure the bastards

The Daily Mail has responded to the Work & Pensions Select Committee’s comments about negative reporting about the sick and disabled by urging its readers to push the first wheelchair-bound shirker they come across onto a busy railway track, preferably not more than five minutes before an intercity train is due to pass through at 100mph.

“The healing power of the right motivation cannot be underestimated,” said Middle England’s favourite newspaper. “You’ve all seen Little Britain, haven’t you? So you know these so-called paraplegics are just greedy parasites who have deliberately chosen to become too damned lazy even to wipe their own arses, cynically milking the honest sympathy of decent, hardworking taxpayers. Put them in front of a few hundred tons of speeding metal, and if you don’t enjoy the enlightening sight of them leaping, staggering or crawling for their parasitic lives we’ll refund you the cost of today’s Daily Mail.”

“Of course, we accept that we may lose a pound or two from our sales figures,” continued the front-page diatribe with undisguised glee. “But for every payment we make, we’ll take heart from the knowledge that we’ve saved the economy thousands of pounds a year in the cost of feeding another useless mouth. Heil Dacre.”

Determined not to be outdone by its rival, today’s Daily Express led with a suggestion that the mentally ill be used for cosmetic testing.

“Fucktards have eyes, don’t they?” screamed it’s front page. “It is an affront to civilisation that lovable flopsy bunnies are subjected to caustic chemicals and hacked to pieces in a dubious quest for arbitrary notions of beauty when there are mentals roaming free who, for all we know, might even enjoy having shampoo poured in their eyes. Who knows what goes on inside their sick, twisted minds? Or cares?”