Scientists in charge of the massive Large Hadron Collider beneath Switzerland and America’s smaller Tevatron particle accelerator both report that they are tantalisingly close to discovering the legendary missing particle which - according to their complex, abstract theories - would make British people happy.
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| One day science may even be able to crack Rick Wakeman |
“We have been whizzing a representative member of the British public round and round at tremendous speeds for years, bombarding them with this, that and the other to no avail,” said CERN’s lead researcher, Dr. Marcel Amour-Étrange. “But two days ago we bunged in his mum and kids, a clean bill of health and a half-decent job with prospects, and for a few seconds we measured a brief wobble at the corners of his mouth which could be the first concrete evidence of a smile. It’s so small it’s hardly there at all, but there’s no other explanation for it unless he was stifling a belch. But he’s British, so I think it’s safe to discount that possibility.”
The Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory’s Dr Randy von Braun concurred: “We repeated the same procedure with our British test subject and we got the same result.”
“It’s a definite sign that British happiness may not just be a scientific wild goose chase leading nowhere,” he added hopefully. “Although such evidence as we’ve collected so far indicates that it may be incredibly short-lived, as in a fraction of a nanosecond she was back to normal, shouting at her kids to shut the fuck up for five minutes and worrying about looking older than 14 again.”
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