Murdoch To Find Everything You Enjoy And Take It All Away

Mr Murdoch will lock them away in his cupboard now

At-bay tycoon Rupert Murdoch has embarked on a spite-fuelled quest to track down all the things that make your miserable life bearable, take them away and break them, it emerged today as Sky Sports announced it had acquired the rights to broadcast Formula One races from 2012 onwards.

“Rupert Murdoch has clearly decided to take revenge on the fickle mob that has now turned against him,” explained Mr Murdoch’s interpreter, Robert Peston. “Any Formula One fans who obligingly open their wallets to Mr Murdoch can look forward to enhanced interactivity ruining the sport competely, such as voting on when to haul Lewis Hamilton in for a pit stop, and commentators distracting drivers with damned silly questions just as they’re about to attempt a tricky overtaking manoeuvre.”

“And this is only the beginning,” he warned. “Rupert Murdoch has made up his mind that, if his fate is to be hated, then he might as well go down in the history books as the most hated man who ever lived and damn the expense. So get ready to say goodbye to everything you hold dear, because you can be sure that Mr Murdoch is already stalking it with his cheque book at the ready.”

A spokesman for the BBC shrugged and said, “What could we do? It was either Formula One or Dr Who. Would you want to break it to your kids that the Doctor, Amy and Rory were killed off by a horrid old man with a face like a dingo’s scrotum?”