Mandelson Kicks Disinterred Grandfather To Bits

Not a metaphor for the state of the party at all

The corpse of the highly-respected Labour visionary, Herbert Morrison, was today exhumed and kicked to pieces by his grandson, Lord Mandelson, in response to a promise from leadership candidate Miliband Two to take the party beyond its “New Labour comfort zone”.

A key architect of the radical Labour manifesto which swept the party to power in 1945, Mr Morrison rose from humble beginnings as an errand boy in Lambeth to become deputy to prime minister Clement Attlee, overseeing sweeping social reforms which improved ordinary people’s lives beyond all recognition.

“Bollocks to all that socialist nonsense,” shouted Lord Mandelson hoarsely, as he kicked his grandfather’s skull off. “If little Miliband Minor, Fatso Hattersley or that baldy Welsh windbag whose name we don’t mention wants to create a pre-New Labour future for the party, then he and the rest of them will quickly find this happening to them, too.”

W. Ankr Rose Declares ‘War’ On Festivals

It's past your bedtime, grandad

Guns N’Roses singer W. Ankr Rose today declared war on Leeds and Reading, after organisers dared to ask his band to shut the fuck up, or there might never be another Leeds Festival.

After killing the festival mood stone dead by leaving fans waiting for half an hour while Ankr’s ego was pumped up to the size of a zeppelin, the has-been band eventually plodded noisily through their tired back catalogue, droning on for twenty tedious minutes past the already-extended curfew before coming back on stage to piss all over the festival some more.

The incident followed similar behaviour the day before at the Reading Festival, where Guns N’Roses sauntered onstage an hour late after Ankr’s head became stuck in a door.

A toy thrown from Ankr’s stretch pram later contained a scathing message to the festival’s organisers, informing them that if people were so concerned over a little bit of noise late at night, “they shoulda evacuated their shitty little towns and villages for the weekend.”

Festival boss Melvin Benn responded by pointing out that Mr Rose’s inability to read a watch had jeopardised the entire future of both events by flouting the agreed curfew, as other acts half his age shook their heads sadly and commented that 48 was a bit old to still be acting like a spotty teenager.

A purple-faced Mr Ankr replied by deploying his guns along the A1(M) close to the Leeds festival site, from where they began firing at crews who were dismantling the main stage. Meanwhile, his bomber fleet dropped deadly clusters of roses between Hare Hatch and Kiln Green, littering the site of the Reading Festival with petals.

‘I Live In A Dream,’ Glenn Beck Tells Far Rights Rally

Glenn Beck explains that the venue and timing are a complete coincidence

Led by the visionary talk show host Glenn Beck, tens of thousands of patriotic Fox News Channel viewers rallied in Washington today, urging the federal government to give them more far rights.

“It is not for me to proclaim that I am the new George Washington, Abraham Lincoln or Martin Luther King,” proclaimed Mr Beck, standing before the six-metre-high statue of Abraham Lincoln at the very same Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC where Dr King gave his epochal ‘I have a dream’ speech exactly 47 years ago to the day. “So, please, I implore you all to banish any such thoughts from your conscious minds."

This is not Glenn Beck

“I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in tonight’s Fox News as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation,” declared the veteran extreme rights campaigner. “7½ score years ago a great American, in whose symbolically white shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. But one hundred years and fifty later, the White man still is not as free as he’d like to be. One hundred and fifty years later, the life of the White is still sadly crippled by the manacles of non-segregation and the chains of positive discrimination. One hundred and fifty years later, the White lives on a lonely island of prosperity in the midst of a vast ocean of material poverty. One hundred and fifty years later, the White is still languished in the centre of American society and finds himself an exile in his own head. And so we've come here today to fictionalize a shameful condition.

Neither is this

“It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment,” he continued, his voice carefully modulated to sound like heartfelt emotion. “This sweltering summer of the White's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom from equality. Two thousand ten is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the White needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the White is granted his extreme rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of injustice re-emerges.

“Some of you have come fresh with narrow brain cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of imaginary persecution and staggered by the winds of presidential blackality. You have been the veterans of self-created suffering. Continue to work with the faith that imagined suffering is redemptive. Go back to Austin, go back to Atlanta, go back to Oklahoma City, go back to Colorado Springs, go back to Dallas, go back to the suburbs and condos of our southern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

“And so, even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still live in a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

And this sure as hell ain't

“I live in a dream where one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that only White men are created equal.’

“I live in a dream where one day on the black-infested hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves will once again wait humbly on the sons of former slave owners at the table of the White brotherhood.

“I live in a dream where children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the content of their character, but by the milky color of their skin.

“This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to Rupert Murdoch with,” concluded a triumphant Mr Beck, to massed cheers. “With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of White brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to watch Fox TV together, to go to a lynching together, to string up a negro president who’s almost certainly a secret Islamist together, knowing that we will be free one day.”

“And now over to Sarah Palin for the weather. Stormy days ahead, right, Sarah?”

NHS Direct To Be Replaced By Party Line

Andrew Lansley: tracking down savings

NHS Direct – the parsimonious alternative to doctors, which puts sick callers through to a severely disillusioned nurse – is not actually making money for the government and must therefore be replaced with something even more tokenistic, health secretary Angela Lansbury confirmed this morning.

“All those nurses expect to be paid from the public purse, which is something we as a government firmly oppose,” said Mr Lansbury. “On the other hand, the general public as a whole suffers from just about every medical ailment known to man, and individuals can be very knowledgeable – especially hypochondriacs, for whom NHS Direct was a gift from heaven.”

“So I had this brilliant idea – why don’t we connect everybody on a big premium-rate party line?” he enthused. “Chances are that, whatever you’ve got, somebody else has already had it and can tell you what to do. And you can probably help somebody else with their complaint, too, while you’re at it. As for the hypochondriacs, being able to use their encyclopaedic knowledge of minor ailments for the common good will do wonders for their self-esteem, which is nice.”

When asked what would happen if a caller was still unable to get helpful advice from other callers, the health secretary thought for a minute, then beamed: “I know - we’ll have an option where people can press a button for expert advice, which will take them directly to a taped message, telling them to lose weight, stop smoking and take a couple of aspirin. After all, that’s pretty much all your GP would say nowadays, isn’t it?”

BBC Director-General Warns Cuts May Prevent Future Legal Battles To Protect Identity Of Car Driver

Protecting this man's identity: priceless

The director-general of the BBC, Mark Thompson, has warned that the upcoming talks on the future of the TV licence fee may jeopardise the aura of mystique surrounding the identity of a man who drives cars around in circles for Jeremy Clarkson’s pleasure.

“Right now the BBC is running up eye-watering legal fees in fighting Rupert Murdoch’s HarperCollins in the high court to prevent them from publishing the real name of a man in a crash helmet,” he told dozing reporters in his MacTaggart lecture in Edinburgh. “We can only perform this essential public service because Rupert Murdoch’s BSkyB was singularly unsuccessful in persuading the previous government that the BBC should be shut down immediately for the heinous crime of charging people £145.50 a year for nine TV channels of mostly British content, eight national and 46 regional radio stations plus the World Service, five bloody orchestras and a comprehensive website, and chucking the news in at no extra cost.”

“Sorry if we don’t offer any channels of wall-to-wall football from Kazakhstan, or insultingly patronising documentary channels aimed squarely at people who would rather gnaw their own arms off than read a book,” he added. “But if viewers really want to lop a few bob off the licence fee, I’m sure we can sack David Attenborough and replace him with Vernon Kay.”

Kick Evil Cat Woman’s Cunt Off, Says Clegg

Yes, that's the sort of thing, says Liberal leader

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg demonstrated his mastery of current affairs this afternoon, by reacting to video footage of a cat being placed in a wheelie bin only 24 hours after a previously-undiscovered tribe of headhunters living deep within the Amazonian rainforest had offered their services to various Facebook death-threat groups.

“My first reaction on hearing about the cat in a bin was to raise an eyebrow at what passes for news these days,” admitted Mr Clegg. “But when the cleaning lady told me that tens of thousands of hate-filled voters had joined Facebook groups, calling for all manner of mediaeval tortures to be inflicted on the perpetrator, I swiftly realised that this was nothing less than a national tragedy of Shakespearean magnitude. I therefore call on the British people to rise up, go round to Mary Bale’s house – the address is all over the net, thanks to the public-spirited activities of numerous eminently-sane posters – and kick her murdering Nazi cunt clean off, before stringing her up by her own evil innards.”

“And pulling on her legs,” he added. “For this is the liberal, democratic way.”

West Midlands police, who have had to provide round-the-clock protection for Mrs Bale, thanked the deputy PM for his input.

“If the man at the top thinks that way, then I’m sure he won’t mind if I reassign my lads to some proper police work, and leave this daft old biddy to her fate,” said Chief Constable Chris Sims. “Now, when she’s savagely slaughtered in her bed by some deranged nutter who thinks their cat told them to do it, I won’t have to answer for it on national telly – Mr Clegg will. If this is what being liberal is all about, I’m all for it.”

France ‘Helping Roma Deportees To Integrate’ By Sending Them To Country Full Of Backward Pikey Scum, Counters Sarkozy

A new life awaits France's Roma minority

The French government reacted today with hurt surprise to accusations that its policy of deporting entire Roma communities to Romania was both discriminatory and in breach of international law.

“Bot zese stinking, ‘ow you say, pikey bâtards ‘ave no place in a civilised society such as France, where we wash our ‘airy armpits scrupulously once a month,” argued President Nicolas Sarkozy. “Zey are nuzzing but a squaleed bonch of ignorant but well-organised thieves wiz no respect for life or property, and our farmers – who ought to know about soch things – say zey are seeck of ze sight of zem.”

When a UN spokesman put it to him that the Roma were recognised as a distinct racial group with a rich cultural history, Mr Sarkozy laughingly replied. “So are ze mafiosi of Marseille. Would you be ‘appier eef I locked zem all op, sen, ees zat what you are saying?”

“Look, we are ‘elping ze Roma scom to integrate by sending zem to a backward, impoverished country full of gyppo thieves jos’ like zem, where zey will feel right at ‘ome ze moment zey step out of ze cattle truck,” he jeered. “Besides, eet ees all being done on a voluntary basis. By buying ze locky ‘eathair, we are, in effect, giving zem all ze necessary fonds to bribe zair way into what passes for ze professional lifestyle in Romania. Zey took ze money, didn’t zey? Well, zen, zey agreed to zis. Eet ees, ‘ow you say, an accomplished fact.”

“Now pees off, world, and leave me to get on wiz ze important job of looking after ze well-respected fascist minorities of France,” he added.

Putin Wrestles Whale Into Submission With Headlock

The Russian superman's latest triumph

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin’s strange macho compulsion to dominate wildlife has emerged again, this time in the form of a bizarre stunt in which he dived into the sea off Russia’s Pacific coast to engage in life-or-death hand-to-fluke combat with a whale.

The 57-year-old KGB veteran donned a brightly-coloured leotard - complete with a fearsome-looking squid mask - to enrage the whale, and had himself fired at it by a deck-mounted catapult as it leapt out of the water.

Mr Putin firmly slapped the whale on the jaw as he flashed past its ten-foot long face, before splashing down yards away. As the whale crashed back into the water, he took a huge gulp of air and dived in search of his krill-munching quarry.

Observers reported a mighty churning of the waters as the two evenly-matched protagonists wrestled for dominance of the seas. Several minutes passed before the whale burst out of the sea again, with the Russian leader’s brawny arm clamped firmly round its neck. Mr Putin gasped for breath, before disappearing in a wall of spray. However, after a few more minutes the beaten, headlocked whale floated gently to the surface, flapping the surface of the ocean three times with its fluke to signify submission.

An exhausted but triumphant Mr Putin clambered from the water, announcing: “I win great victory today for Russian peoples. Now I king of the whale, in addition to master of the polar bear and lord of the tiger. What mighty creatures bow to puny pencil-necked President Obama? Gopher? Skunk? He not even bring down docile bison.”

Fugitive Tycoon Not Likely To Be Charged With Stealing Millions of Votes

The fugitive millionaire Arsehole Blair, who returned briefly to Britain today after several years abroad, is unlikely to be charged with stealing millions of votes from the now-collapsed Labour Party, admitted Serious Fraud Office officials.

Mr Blair began his blatant theft of Labour votes almost seventeen years ago, when he was elected as leader of the once-prominent party. Under his leadership, the party was systematically stripped of its core policies and beliefs, leaving nothing but an empty shell. Just before the game was up, he cynically fled the country, leaving others to face the music while he enjoyed all of the benefits of a millionaire lifestyle.

“Unfortunately it was all a very long time ago and nobody here can remember much about it,” admitted an SFO spokesman. “The file on Arsehole Blair appears to have unaccountably placed in a cardboard box and filed in the hot water tank.”

“The chances of getting any kind of firm conviction out of this flamboyant crook are approximately zero,” he added apologetically, “As disgruntled former members of his collapsed party know only too well.”

Iraq Cities Celebrate US Withdrawal With Fireworks Displays

Barack Obama today thanked the Iraqi people for the somewhat over-enthusiastic fireworks put on in numerous Iraqi cities to express their gratitude for the peacekeeping work done over the years by withdrawing US forces.

“These spontaneous firework displays are a touching demonstration of the love and respect the ordinary people of Iraq feel for their departing American friends,” said the president, as news networks showed bright, colourful explosions taking place in Kut, Tikrit, Falluja, Basra, Mosul, Kirkuk, Ramadi and Karbala. “Our forces can leave with their heads held high, after successfully completing their mission of transforming Iraq from a nation living in fear to a bastion of freedom, peace and security.”

Thank you, America

Unlike traditional Western fireworks, in the Middle East they tend to be mounted inside cars or worn around the waist, and set off in crowded areas where the maximum number of people can share the experience,” he told American reporters. “Well, that’s their culture, and we celebrate it.”

At least 50 delighted Iraqis are thought to have enjoyed the displays so much that they came apart.

“This, too, is a cultural phenomenon common throughout the Middle East,” explained a sweating Mr Obama. “We show our appreciation by clapping - they show theirs by shedding limbs, heads and internal organs. It’s just a different way of doing things, which our soldiers have learned to recognise as just a regular everyday occurrence.”

“It’s just a shame those Iraqis can’t show their appreciation further by voting Democrat in our forthcoming mid-term elections,” he added.