Mandelson Kicks Disinterred Grandfather To Bits

Not a metaphor for the state of the party at all

The corpse of the highly-respected Labour visionary, Herbert Morrison, was today exhumed and kicked to pieces by his grandson, Lord Mandelson, in response to a promise from leadership candidate Miliband Two to take the party beyond its “New Labour comfort zone”.

A key architect of the radical Labour manifesto which swept the party to power in 1945, Mr Morrison rose from humble beginnings as an errand boy in Lambeth to become deputy to prime minister Clement Attlee, overseeing sweeping social reforms which improved ordinary people’s lives beyond all recognition.

“Bollocks to all that socialist nonsense,” shouted Lord Mandelson hoarsely, as he kicked his grandfather’s skull off. “If little Miliband Minor, Fatso Hattersley or that baldy Welsh windbag whose name we don’t mention wants to create a pre-New Labour future for the party, then he and the rest of them will quickly find this happening to them, too.”