The lopsided, inbred troglodytes of Cornwall are set to declare war on the United Nations, after its cultural body, UNESCO, declared the Cornish language officially extinct.
Thirty expert linguists working on the Atlas of The World's Languages In Danger pointed out that Cornish has not been spoken since 1777, except by a tiny hardcore of about 300 fact-proof nutters with bizarre delusions about the glorious resurgence of some mythical Cornish nation that only ever existed in the vacuum of their minds.
However, Jennifer Lowe - development manager of the Cornish Language Partnership, and therefore one of a handful of people in Cornwall whose so-called job does not consist of grovelling to grockle tourists - boasted that there were thousands with a "smattering" of Cornish, due to pig-headed council schemes to cram the defunct, worthless language into the heads of schoolchildren in place of knowledge that might actually prove to be of any value in their lives.
"Thousands of unemployed Cornish youngsters can now grunt, 'me want pasty' and 'you're not from round here' in their native tongue, if you prod them with a stick and promise them a shiny coin," she explained with sadly-misplaced pride.
However, a spokesman for the UN laughed convulsively for five minutes before breathing deeply and saying: "In the deluded fantasies of the Cornish nationalist mind, Truro would be the tin-paved capital of the glorious Kernow superstate. And what does 'Truro' actually mean, in Cornish or any other language? Nobody has the faintest idea. I think that pretty much sums up the tragic futility of Cornish, don't you?"
A shabby, bearded wreck of a man - or possibly a very ugly woman - in the total-unemployment singularity known to the Ordnance Survey as Redruth shouted incoherently to our reporter for several tedious minutes. Expert analysis of the recording later suggested, however, that he was not in fact making an impassioned speech in the Cornish language after all, but merely demanding a pound in a hideously-garbled debasement of English.