Friday, 18 March 2011

‘Yes, We’ll Deploy An Aircraft Carrier As Soon As We Can Launch It,’ Declares Britain

In the wake of last night’s UN resolution to set up a Libyan no-fly zone, British prime minister David Cameron today promised to deploy an aircraft carrier to the Mediterranean straight after it leaves the slipway on which it is currently being built.

Not playing
“It’s bloody typical of the Libyan people to rebel against their barmy leader, Colonel Gaddafi, just as we decommissioned our last toytown carrier, HMS Ark Royal,” reflected Mr Cameron. “However, the management of BVT tell me that, if the price is right, they can bolt together enough of the basic hull sections of HMS Queen Elizabeth to keep it floating the right way up within a year or so. HMS Quee, as it would then be called, would then be towed to the Med, where it will look very frightening indeed - especially to our pilots, as its flight deck will still be under construction in Birkenhead.”

“Fortunately this will not pose any operational difficulties, as its complement of F-35 aircraft will exist only on a purchase order in a Lockheed-Martin filing cabinet,” he added. “In practical terms, this means that Britain’s main contribution to the interdiction of Libya will be a staggering quantity of aviation fuel burned by aircraft flying to Libya from hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away.”

However, in an unexpected twist Colonel Gaddafi suddenly announced a unilateral cessation of hostilities, spoiling everybody’s fun and games and raising the prospect of the West’s political leaders lining up to shake his blood-soaked hand all over again in the not-too-distant future if they want any of his country’s vast oil reserves.

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