The iPod Touch is 2009's must-have explosive accessory, say the world's coolest terrorists, thanks to the remarkable self-combusting battery technology first pioneered by Apple on its laptops.
"We enjoyed moderate success with exploding MacBooks in 2006," said Osama Bin Laden, "But that was a mere foretaste of what is to come, now that Apple have successfully miniaturised their world-beating exploding batteries. I look forward to a musical jihad of carnage against the Great Satan."
The Japanese government has already issued a terror alert and urged people to buy non-fundamentalist Sony MP3 players instead.
One potential casualty in the latest twist in the war on terror is 11-year-old Ellie Stanborough, who had a lucky escape when her iPod Touch began hissing and emitting vapour. Her quick-witted father threw the deadly device out of the back door, where it went off with a bang that blew it ten feet into the air.
"My daughter is severely traumatised," he told reporters. "Now every time she hears The Saturdays on the radio, she wets her knickers and hides behind the sofa."
When Mr Stanborough asked Apple for a refund, he received a letter telling him he would only be reimbursed if he signed a gagging order, converted to Wahhabism and vowed to kill infidels.
In an AAC-format download from his luxury cave hideout in lawless Silicon Valley, Apple CEO Steve Jobs warned that Apple - or al-Apple, as it will now be known - had declared holy war on decadent Western fashionistas, by planting an estimated 170 million bombs around the world.
"The anarchist Emma Goldman once said, 'If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution'," he added. "Well, decadent oppressors, thanks to the iPod now you can do both."
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