The Methodist Church today became the first church to officially recognise Apple’s iPhone as God, announcing that the traditional Holy Trinity of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit has received an exciting brand makeover to become the Holy Quadrinity.
The pricey gadget has long been worshipped by its owners, many of whom sing its praises on a daily basis.
“If Christians can convince themselves that worshipping three distinct beings isn’t polytheism, then one more won’t make any difference,” explained a man in a Ralph Lauren suit with a dog collar. “The iPhone sits at the right hand of God, who uses it constantly to text Jesus and the Holy Spirit, who also have iPhones.”
“You may ask, ‘How can the iPhone be three yet one?’ Ah, but isn’t that the very essence of the mystery of faith?” he went on. “We, as fallible human beings, must simply accept that the iPhone is omnipotent, beyond the comprehension of man, and works in ways wondrous to behold. Hallelujah.”
The move has, however, attracted criticism from older-established churches. The Archbishop of Canterbury suggested that the iPhone was not more holy than Symbian- or Android-based smartphones, while the Pope is expected to maintain the traditional Catholic view that a telephone is a grey thing with a dial on a table in the hallway, warning his millions of followers that the mobile phone is a mortal sin.
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