Northern Ireland Water Goes Into Hiding After Martin McGuinness Says ‘Heads Should Roll’

Down with this sort of thing

Everyone on the payroll of Northern Ireland Water has disappeared today, after deputy First Minister and former IRA deputy commander Martin McGuinness told the Stormont Assembly that “heads should roll” for leaving 80,000 people without water for days.

“We can neither confirm nor deny that the holding cells of every police station in the province are crammed full of water workers demanding protection,” said a spokesman for the PSNI. “Nor can we verify reports that every flight out of Belfast today was standing-room only.”

When it was pointed out to him that NIW is a state-owned utility and therefore, ultimately, the responsibility of the government, Mr McGuinness swiftly excused himself from the assembly chamber, then reappeared half an hour later wearing a reinforced polycarbonate neck brace – much to the chagrin of Ian Paisley, who had turned up outside with a hacksaw.

Africans Sympathise With Britons Forced to Go Without Mineral Water

As Oxfam warns that Britain is struggling to meet the cost of necessities like bottled mineral water, 15 million consumers in East Africa are reported to be reining in their lifestyles by opting to forego luxuries such as food.

“I really don’t know how I’m going to survive the journey into the office without Highland Spring,” said local government officer Gillian Perrier, 30. “How will I replace the sandstone and basalt my body loses through my daily cycle through the traffic? And think of the kids, facing a gruelling 15-minute walk to school - it’s only flavoured Volvic that keeps them from dropping into the newsagents for sweets. I may as well give up altogether and go back to driving the Espace.”

Meanwhile, up to 7.2 million people in Somalia and Ethiopia alone are reassessing their priorities in the face of rocketing prices, drought and violent conflict.

“Property prices are plummeting round here”, complained one Somali villager we spoke to. “My home lost 95% of its value overnight, when the local militia roared into town and fired an anti-tank rocket at it. And my small eco-business has been struggling to survive ever since the rains stopped last year. If this goes on, I may have to let some of my hard-working family go. Still, my heart goes out to those people in Britain who can’t afford mineral water. I’ll have a rummage round and see if I can donate something I can manage without, like a kidney or a daughter maybe.”

Come On In, Water Fine

Water industry regulator Ofwat is fining Severn Trent Water a record £35.8m - £34.7m for deliberately providing false information, plus a further £1.1m for poor customer service.

The fine, which represents 2.9% of the firm’s total turnover, will mean that its customers will see an impressive £2.40 reduction in their bills for two whole years.

“It wasn’t me that done it, mister, honest,” said Tony Wray, chief executive of parent company Severn Trent plc, “It was some big boys who were here before me. I saw them running away. They were a lot of fibbers. I’m not like that. I’m a good boy. Right lads, we’ve still got the other 97.1% - let’s have a party. Management meeting in St. Tropez, now! Last one to the Learjet’s a girly wuss.”