In a surprise move, Robert Mugabe has graciously accepted defeat in the Zimbabwean elections and stepped down as President, effective immediately.
“I am happy to congratulate my honourable opponent, Morgan Tsvangirai, and the Movement for Democratic Change on winning the election on Sunday fair and square,” beamed Mr Mugabe. “The Zimbabwean people have spoken, and I respect their democratic will. I have been President for 28 years, and in that period our country has toppled from prosperity to penury, and is now an economic basket case. Clearly I am not the man for the job, and it is high time I stepped aside and let someone competent take charge. I have nothing but respect for Mr Tsvangirai, and wish him every success in restoring the fortunes of our blighted nation.”
“I have instructed the security forces to co-operate fully with the MDC in order to facilitate a smooth transfer of power in the coming days,” he continued, “And I urge all my supporters to welcome a new dawn of peace and reconciliation.”
When asked about the numerous reports of vote-rigging and ballot-stuffing said to have taken place around the country, Mr Mugabe smiled and said, “Well, of course - I have a reputation to live up to, it’s expected of me. You can’t blame me for trying – but, really, my heart just isn’t in it any more. I am looking forward to a quiet retirement, well away from affairs of state. However, if my successor wishes to investigate the various crimes, abuses and outrages I committed during three decades of blind, dogmatic rule, then I will just have to stand trial and take whatever richly-deserved punishment is coming to me.”
“I really have been a disaster for this country,” added Mr Mugabe, with tears in his eyes, “And I just want to say I’m very, very sorry.”
All over the country, members of Mr Mugabe’s ZANU-PF party were reported to be enthusiastically hugging their successful MDC rivals in the dancing, cheering crowds thronging every city and village in Zimbabwe.
Mr Tsvangirai, meanwhile, was reported to be peering around cautiously from under a manhole cover.
1 comment:
I'm slightly disturbed to hear from Roy that a woman in Tenerife actually believed this when it was read out on the radio. I thought I'd gone for the most unlikely scenario...
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