Gbagbo Offers Leadership Experience To Libyan Rebels

Mr Gbagbo is sure his knot-tying badge will be an inspiration

As troops loyal to elected president Alassane Outtara tighten the net surrounding his embattled rival, Laurent Gbagbo has suggested to the UN that the struggling Libyan rebels might benefit from his strong leadership style.

UN peacekeepers in the Ivory Coast have previously said that Mr Gbagbo’s peaceful departure would prevent further destabilisation in the strife-torn republic.

Speaking from the coal cellar of his encircled presidential residence in Abidjan, Mr Gbagbo told UN observers: “You wantin’ me alive? OK, give me de job I can do. Dis Gaddafi character up dere in Libya, he crazy as de bag full o’ de monkeys - but he bloddy good at runnin’ de bits he got left o' de army.”

“Jus' look at dese so-called rebels,” he went on. “Dey takin’ over de ice cream van an’ de couple o’ beach huts, dey so damn’ chuffed wid demselves dey emptyin’ de ol' Lee-an'-de-Enfields into de sky like dey winnin' de whole dam’ war - den five minutes later, when de Gaddafi goons rollin’ up in de ol’ Toyota wid de Lewis gun on de back, dey buggerin’ off back into de hills like de shit off de proverbial shovel an’ hollerin’ ‘bout de lack o’ de ammunitions. Dey needin’ somebody wid de proper motivational skills an’ de gift fo’ de organisin'. Let me fax you de amazin’ Gbagbo CV. I go 50/50 wid you on de oil, dat makin’ it worth my while.”

“Bot you better be makin’ de minds up dam’ quick,” he warned. “Udderwise dese uppity nordern bastards, dey givin’ me de halal funeral wid all de trimmin’s, if you know wot I am sayin’.”