Ireland has belatedly realised that Vatican City - the ancient sanctuary for sex-starved old pervs who want you to agree that touching another man’s bottom is an unpardonable abomination, but molesting small children is just a minor embarrassment – might not actually be a bona fide country at all, as it announces the closure of its embassy in a wing of the vast palace whose cellars and corridors are overflowing with the Pope’s looted riches.
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"This is really bad for the Vatican because Ireland is the first big Catholic country to do this, and because of what Catholicism means in Irish history," said a Vatican diplomatic source in a big red dress. “Er… not the history of serial child abuse we cheerfully covered up for decades. I mean getting rid of all those snakes, eternal damnation for divorcees - you know, the good stuff.”
The Irish government, for its part, insists that the embassy closure has been ordered purely on cost grounds - further irritating the Vatican, which is proud of its vital role in promoting civilised human values such as damning women for the wicked sin of thinking about family planning, or displaying the divine spirit of Christian forgiveness towards priests who, it insists, are understandably led astray by the constant, shameless flaunting of smooth young bottoms by sinful children entrusted to their pastoral care.
Experts believe it can only be a matter of time before the God tells the Pope to retaliate, by pastorally excommunicating the republic until it comes crawling back in a suitably chastened spirit of repentance with an offering of tempting, fresh young winkies.
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