Mystery Surrounds Capture Of Kitten

Authorities are struggling to provide a satisfactory explanation for the violent death of a kitten – which was believed to be Colonel Beauty, stolen from MP John Hemmings’ mistress Emily Cox by his furious wife – after it had been found hiding in a hole in the ground (the Sparkhill district of Birmingham).

Barely hours after the media flashed the exciting news of the fugitive’s capture to a grateful world, with his supposed captor proudly brandishing a golden collar for the cameras, disturbing images started appearing on the internet showing the apparently insensible kitten being dragged through the dusty, crowded streets. The pictures were swiftly followed, however, by confused announcements that Colonel Beauty was in fact dead – variously attributing his demise to succumbing to leg injuries whilst being inexplicably carted off to Manchester by ambulance, leaping headlong into a hail of bullets that happened to be passing or being beaten to death by enraged songbird-lovers.

A shocking image of sickening brutality

Conspiracy theorists at the Cats’ Protection League are already speculating that the hapless cat may not have been Colonel Beauty at all, but one of his many lookalikes - with the real Colonel still at large and secretly building an army of crazed cat fanatics.

The authorities, meanwhile - at a loss for what to do with the battered body in their possession – have put it in a freezer in a Warrington branch of Morrison’s for public display, while they decide whether to bury it in an unmarked field next to the M6, tie it up in a sack and drop it in the nearest canal, or turn it into a nice pair of gloves as a touching memento for Ms Cox.