Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Joyful Dublin Welcomes Queen’s Historic Visit With Traditional Bomb Threats And Security Blockades

The queen thinks this is what all Irish people wear
Dubliners have taken the Queen’s historic visit of peace and reconciliation to their hearts today, responding in the best traditions of legendary Irish hospitality by joyfully proclaiming bomb warnings and erecting ceremonial security barriers around the warm, welcoming heart of Dublin.

On her arrival at a military airfield dressed in an emerald green cylinder, the Queen was welcomed by Irish president Mary McAleese with the charming Gaelic greeting of “Iair taoichian dair fechian pis ai.” When she later took part in a wreath-laying ceremony at the Garden of Remembering What Youse Bastards Did So to acknowledge the victims of British rule, however, she had changed into a tubular white outfit. Prince Philip, meanwhile, showed his respect by wearing the full ceremonial dress uniform of a Black and Tan.

Gardai helpfully cleared the streets of central Dublin, enabling Her Majesty to indulge in a walkabout, for once delightfully unhampered by tiresome commoners trying to stick ghastly little flags up her nose. Elsewhere, citizens demonstrated their enthusiasm for Britain’s ruling monarch by releasing hundreds of black balloons.

Later, she was driven to the president’s residence at a stately 3½mph, due to the weight of two-inch armour plate added to the car to prevent the driver from getting carried away with enthusiasm.

The queen is said to be delighted with the extraordinary efforts made by the Irish people to accommodate her family’s well-known love of uniforms; indeed, she is unlikely to see anyone not wearing one at any time during her state visit.

“Things have changed, to be sure,” commented one happy Dubliner. “In the old times, we were dirt poor and the filthy English were rolling in it. Now we’re dirt poor and so are they, the murdering Protestant shites.”

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