15p Minimum Wage Rise Will Make Us All Kings

The national minimum wage will soar to £6.08 an hour in October, boasted government ministers, implementing the insanely generous 2.5% increase recommended by the Low Pay Commission.

Ministers were quick to compare the huge rise to yesterday’s decision by the Bank of England to keep interest rates at 0.5% for the 25th consecutive month, while David Frost of the British Chambers of Commerce wept openly as he predicted mass suicides among employers and called for the reintroduction of slavery as the best way to lead the nation out of recession.

What the raise will buy in October - yes, all three of them!

Ministers were, however, unaccountably less keen to invite comparison with the rate of consumer price inflation, which rose again to 4.4% in February - suggesting that, in the absence of an economic miracle, the cost of everything will have risen by over 40% by the time the 2.5% minimum wage increase comes into effect.

“Yes, well if you play with a calculator for long enough you can prove anything,” scoffed work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith. “But the important thing is to concentrate on the word ‘increase’, because it’s a very splendid word indeed and makes everybody feel good.”

“Especially all the thickies who are on the minimum wage, because their numeracy is so dismal they can’t even work out how to vote for more than one candidate,” he added with a disarming smile. “To them I say: Do you believe the word of some smart-arse statistician? Of course you don’t. Bugger them - you’re getting a raise!”